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Hi, I’m from the Future

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Sometimes, I like to imagine that non-cis* folk are the next step in human evolution. Like the cis-person’s genetic future. We are amongst you present-day people, and when you interact with us, you’re interacting with the future – a two-thousand-years-ahead kind of future. We’re the 16.0 to your laggy-as-fuck 6.3 version. We’ve selflessly volunteered to travel back in time to be reborn and save the present-day people from fucking up the future by secretly altering certain world-changing events. How mind-blowingly cool is that?

I think about that when, for the gazillionth time on some hookup app, someone asks if I have a dick or tells me I’m not a real man. When, as the first thing after “Hi,” someone asks if I’ve had the surgery or if I still have my boobs. “Show me your pussy,” is what they say.

“I don’t expect you to understand because I’m from the future,” is what I want to tell them, sighing tragically as I type. I know they won’t even understand that they don’t understand, because they are simple present-day people, victims of our time and their own technological limitations. If they tried to understand, their brains would collapse.

I would shake my head in pity, chuckle and go tsk-tsk, like a grandpa tsk-tsking at a toddler grandkid who defecated all over the fancy family carpet that’s used only for Hari Raya – because babies don’t know any better.

A few months ago, my aunt, in a manner of friendly conversation, told me that some random person is going to feel me up and find out that I have a vagina, and then I’d be screwed. Her exact words were, “Kau nampak macam lelaki tapi nanti ada orang datang kat kau, raba-raba kau, jumpa pantat, baru kau tahu.” (You look like a man but then someone will come up to you, feel you up, find your pussy, and then you’ll know). She’s from Melaka, they talk like that with affection, and maybe she was only half-joking. People from Melaka will cuss at you to show you they care. She says pantat (pussy) all the time. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my family.

I took it to mean that I could be on a Netflix date, and after three episodes of Bojack Horseman, my sexy date and I would be deep into a heavy makeout session, and then they’d slip their hand down my shorts and …aik? Sapraisss! (At that time of the Aunt Incident, I had not been on a date in 15 months.)

I know she’s worried about my safety and was expressing it in her own special and unique way, so I wasn’t shocked or upset. Anyway, I’m from the future, so how could she ever comprehend?

Instead of explaining the future thing to her, I asked her why she felt random people would suddenly want to feel me up. It’s silly. I demonstrated to her what going up to random people and feeling them up would look like:Ahem, excuse me, boleh raba tak?” (Can I feel you up?)

A distant relative I hadn’t seen in five years thought I was my brother and slapped me on the back when he saw me at my uncle’s funeral. I didn’t correct this distant uncle and humoured him, telling him about my (brother’s) job, when he called me by my brother’s name and asked me, kerja macam mana? (How’s work?) Ok, I didn’t need to be a future person at this particular time. I later told my mother, and she didn’t think it was funny. I assured her I knew enough about my brother’s job, and the information I gave my relative was accurate and up-to-date.

My mother hates my moustache and I don’t want her brain to collapse, so I refrain from telling her about what it is like in the future. The future where no one has diabetes because it has been eliminated and people can eat all the cake they want. She’s diabetic and likes cake, although she shouldn’t.

She hasn’t said anything about my deeper voice or my changing body, but she has told me she wants me to be a girl and get a handbag.

I don’t need to grow my hair long because girls have short hair these days, but I should get a handbag. I told her to specify what kind of handbag so I would remember and not get the wrong one. I declared, these things are important, Mother, these handbags.  

Whenever I tease my mother in English, she takes one key word from my sentence and turns it into Shm-english. “Handbag, shmandbag,” she said, laughing, index finger poised in the air, ready to fake-cane me. She likes to jokingly fake-cane her kids because we’re too big for her to real-cane now.

I love my moustache and hope I eventually get to grow one like a Tamil movie star, or a Gerak Khas extra.

Should I have been upset in those cases and corrected them? I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things about why people say the things they do, or react the way they do. I’ve gently corrected many people, in real life and on apps. Sometimes I run out of gentle corrections. I don’t want to get angry, and tweet angry things in frustration while shaking my fist at God in the fat clouds (as a kid I assumed this God-entity lived there and sat on a throne, genderless and proud, waving their hand to casually create things like cows and planets and Michael Jackson). Some people take longer than others to open up to new things, but sometimes I just get tired of explaining why I am me. This is when I am a super-cool, ultra-advanced, future-person. So, fuck everyone else.

*I used ‘non-cis’ and put that asterisk ‘*’ there because, while this fantasy is for me, a trans man, this is an all-inclusive scenario and everyone along the gender identity spectrum can have a fantasy and feel superior and cool whenever they like except if they are an asshole.

Cisgender (shorthand cis) – a person whose sex assigned at birth ‘matches’ their gender identity OR a persons whose lived experiences ‘match’ their assigned sex at birth.

Cis-temic Oppression

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The radio was blasting pop tunes, my car going 110 km/hour. I was singing along to the songs at the top of my lungs with a huge grin on my face. A cute boy had just invited me to a house party. I was feeling great and looking super cute as I made my way there. My makeup was on point, my outfit took an hour to be picked out and I was ready to party. I got to the Airbnb they rented and we started drinking, smoking and having a good time talking and laughing. That was how the night started: with me, a regular 22 year old girl, going to a regular house party and doing regular things. But little did I know, what started out as a great night turned into the most traumatizing experience of my life.

The police raided the house. One of them whipped out his badge but that one badge didn’t allay our suspicions as to whether they were real cops as none of them were in uniforms and they were behaving incredibly shadily. They didn’t allow us to call our parents and started confiscating our phones as soon as they could. “No recording, we don’t want this going viral.”

If they were truly cops, conducting legal raids and going by procedure, why would they be afraid? Surely they would have wanted our parents to know what was happening to their own children? One girl’s parent tried to call her repeatedly only to have one of the female cops tell her to ignore it. That certainly raised warning bells. Despite that, everything was still under control until they made me hand over my identity card. From there, everything went downhill.

First came the confusion, then the insensitive and downright derogatory questions. “Tulen ke palsu?” they wanted to know. Was I a “real” woman? I looked them straight in the eye and told them that I am transgender. They exchanged looks. Then they laughed at me and called me names. Up till that moment, I was just a regular girl attending a party. Suddenly, I wasn’t a regular girl anymore. I was a ‘bapok’. I was less than human. I was something not worthy of being treated with respect and basic human decency

I was on the verge of having a panic attack but despite the turmoil going on within me, I plastered a bored and dismissive look on my face to let them know that I wasn’t about to engage with low-lives like them. They were not going to have the pleasure of seeing me vulnerable. I tried to get my breathing into a steady rhythm and silently prayed to the Goddess that they would leave me alone.

I later learned that they were narcotics and I felt a little relieved, hoping that they would soon leave as they had found no drugs.

Until they did.

They looked extremely pleased as they announced that they would have to bring us down to the station. “Boys first!” they called out. I remained seated on the ground starting to hyperventilate when one of the cops pointed at me. “That means you too,” he said, with a smirk on his face. I can’t express how much I wanted to slap that smirk right off his face. We were taken to a station about five minutes away and had to be tested for drugs, which meant a urine test. We were numbered and given a container to pee in. No problem, right? Just pee in the container, prove that you’re clean and leave, right? Wrong.

I was worried that my hormones would affect the results as I have heard stories of hormones creating false positives during drug tests.

I was also dehydrated. I had been drinking all night and did not have a sip of water. I asked them to give me some water to drink but they told me that they didn’t have any. After much begging, one of the policewomen opened a drawer full of water bottles and handed me a tiny bottle. I gulped it down but it wasn’t enough. I begged for some more and one policeman brought yet another tiny bottle of water which I immediately chugged down.

I walked to the bathroom, and there was the third problem. I had to pee in front of a male policeman. I stood with my back facing him as he watched. He insulted me with slurs while the rest of them laughed at me. I really tried to pee but I just couldn’t. My anxiety was through the roof and their patience was wearing thin. One of the policemen threatened to beat me up while making violent gestures right in my face. He also threatened to throw me in lockup which scared the hell out of me.

I’ve read enough to know that trans women don’t fare well in prison. They were discussing if they could throw me in jail just for being me and wearing what I was wearing. “Unfortunately, she was in a private place and she didn’t resist arrest, so we can’t throw her in jail,” one lady replied.

I was humiliated.

The people who were at the party with me were people whom I had just met, and they had heard every single derogatory term hurled at me and watched as I was threatened violently. I felt less than human. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to die. I begged and begged for more water only to be told to drink from the tap or from the bucket of water in the bathroom. I couldn’t believe my ears. Were these people really the police? How could they treat people this way? I was trying my very best to cooperate! Everyone else had been cleared and my hopes were slowly fading. I did my best to prepare myself for the worst. I was already hyperventilating at this point and ready to pass out at any second, what with the slurs and threats.

It was then that my friends, who are prominent LGBT activists in Malaysia, showed up. I had used my phone to send them a location earlier, before it was confiscated, and they had managed to find the closest police precinct and found me. They convinced the police to let them give me water and the police finally agreed. A big bottle of water was given to me and not long after I managed to pee. When the results came, the two police officers exchanged looks. She shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “well, what can we do?”

I was clean.

I got out of there as fast as I could, my whole body shaking. I was in shock till the next day, when the tears finally came. For the next few weeks, I found myself unable to sleep or eat and I was constantly anxious. I would see flashes of what had happened whenever I closed my eyes. I talked till I couldn’t talk about it anymore and cried until there were no more tears. I felt like my world had come crashing down and for weeks after I would not get my life back in order. My room was a mess, my affairs in chaos and my studies took a hit. I felt like the world was not real anymore. My reality and everything I knew had been disrupted, leaving me with a broken dystopian version which made me feel like a freak. I felt like my humanity had been stripped away.

This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to recover and heal from. The worst part of it all is that there would be no way to hold the police accountable for their actions. No means of recourse. They did whatever they wanted, however they pleased, with no standard operating procedures and that left me broken, angry and filled with hatred. I had to deal with these emotions with no outlet to vent and move on from my trauma. These people didn’t care, they had no training in gender sensitivity and no basic common decency – they were just agents of an oppressive system who got off on abusing their power. This is the same system that degrades and abuses trans people, making us more vulnerable to attacks, abuse and worse.

In Malaysia, I have no validity. I’m not allowed to exist.


Aku dan Cermin Itu

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Sewaktu kecil, tidak pernah aku ketahui, tentang apa itu perempuan, apa itu lelaki, dan juga apa itu gender. Aku bermain sepuas-puasnya bersama kawan-kawan dan alat permainan yang ada di sekelilingku. Aku makan semua makanan kesukaanku sama  ada yang dimasak ibu mahupun yang dibeli dari mana-mana kedai atau restoran dengan penuh nikmat. Aku ketawa terbahak-bahak dengan penuh girang apabila melihat atau mendengar sesuatu yang menggeletek hatiku. Aku juga menangis dan memberontak sepuasnya terhadap perkara yang menghalang kemahuanku. Seingat aku, aku hanyalah seorang kanak-kanak biasa. Sama seperti kanak-kanak lain.

Disebalik semua itu, aku selalu terdengar pesanan dan kata-kata nasihat dari orang sekeliling. Sehingga sekarang, kata-kata yang terngiang-ngiang di telingaku.

“Awak lelaki, awak kena tolong ayah”.

 “Awak lelaki, awak tak boleh buat macam tu”.

“Awak lelaki, awak tak boleh berkelakuan macam tu.”

Dan pelbagai pesanan dan kata-kata lain yang seangkatan dengannya. Kadang-kadang aku terfikir, adakah nasihat ini diberikan kepada semua kanak-kanak yang sedang membesar, atau hanya kepadaku? Aku tidak pernah dengar kata-kata seperti itu diungkapkan kepada kanak-kanak lain. Kenapa hanya aku? Kenapa semua orang di sekelilingku sangat obses dengan tingkah laku, cara pertuturan dan gayaku?

Saban masa berlalu, semakin aku menempuhi liku-liku kehidupan dengan penuh rasa keliru dan tanda tanya. Aku mula pergi ke sekolah, tempat untuk aku belajar dan bersiap sedia untuk menjadi insan berguna apabila aku dewasa kelak. Tempat untuk aku membuat ramai teman baru dan menempuhi pelbagai pengalaman sebagai seorang pelajar. Namun, pengalamanku di sekolah juga sama seperti di rumah.

Aku semakin keliru dengan teguran dan pesanan orang sekeliling tentang jantina, tentang perwatakan dan tentang tingkah laku. Jika dulu aku hanya mendengar teguran seperti itu di rumah dari ibu, ayah, makcik dan pakcik; kini kata-kata yang sama juga diungkapkan oleh guru-guru dan teman sekelas. Bagaimana semua orang seperti tahu sahaja cara yang betul untuk bertingkah laku dan bertutur kecuali aku? Buku apa yang semua orang baca yang aku langkaui? Di mana mereka tahu semua ini?

Sampai di suatu tahap, aku mula merasa tekanan sedikit demi sedikit. Segala apa yang aku dengari, setiap saat dalam kehidupanku, memberitahu hati kecil aku bahawa ada sesuatu yang tidak kena degan aku. Sesuatu yang salah dan lain daripada yang lain. Segala apa yang aku lakukan hanyalah mengundang perasaan hairan dari orang sekeliling. Dan aku? Aku juga berasa hairan mengapa hanya aku yang asyik ditegur sebegitu.

Aku kemudiannya menjadi amat cenderung dan nekad untuk mencari kebenaran tentang segala apa yang aku dengar selama ini. Apakah terdapat kebenaran dalam nasihat dan pesanan dari orang sekelilingku?

Aku membawa diriku yang penuh dengan rasa keliru, ke hadapan sebuah cermin. Cermin yang gah dan besar, yang boleh memberi pantulan tepat supaya sesiapa sahaja yang memandang ke dalam cermin itu, akan dapat melihat refleksi diri mereka yang sebenar. Cantik kah? Betul kah? Senget kah? Salah kah? Mana dia bayangan aku? Mari sini aku lihat, mana yang perlu aku betulkan.

Pelik, lama aku pandang ke dalam cermin itu. Aku pusing ke kiri dan ke kanan. Atas, bawah, atas, bawah. Tidak ada apa pun yang aku rasakan salah. Walau sudah beribu kali aku berhadapan dengan cermin itu, tiada apa yang membuat aku rasakan seperti… di luar tempat yang sepatutnya. Apa yang sering orang bicarakan, sambil menunding jari mereka kepadaku, seolah-olah menunjukkan sesuatu yang tidak kena pada mata mereka, apa yang mereka nampak? Bayanganku di dalam cermin itu tidak pernah memberi kejutan besar. Aku mula bertanya pada bayangan diriku di sebalik cermin itu.

“Kenapa mereka suruh aku jadi keras?”

“Mengapa mereka selalu cakap aku lembut?”

“Apakah itu lembut? Apakah itu keras?

“Mana yang yang mereka nampak lembut?”

Setahu aku, aku cuma melakukan rutin harianku seperti biasa sejak kecil. Di saat itu, secara tiba-tiba berdesing di dalam fikiranku tentang apakah itu maksud sebenar gender, lelaki dan perempuan.

Aku yang selama ini diberitahu oleh semua orang bahawa “sepatutnya” menjadi dan berlagak seperti seorang lelaki, menyedari bahawa aku bukanlah lelaki. Lelaki tidak ada di dalam diriku. Segala teguran yang aku dengar dan serap dari orang sekelilingku selama ini, membuat aku berbisik kepada diriku. Perlahan, tetapi tegas.

“Bukannya salah aku! Aku cuma buat semua benda macam biasa! Aku tidak cuba tiru sesiapa! Aku tak sedar pun aku seperti yang orang katakan!”

Aku mula melihat bahawa bayangan di sebalik cermin itu adalah bukan bayangan sebenar diriku, tetapi sebaliknya bayangan yang telah ditetapkan bentuk dan sifatnya oleh orang sekeliling.

Saban tahun berlalu, aku semakin kenal tentang gender dan identitiku yang sebenar. Aku semakin menerima diriku, dihadapan setiap cermin. Dengan bayangan yang terpantul pada setiap cermin dihadapanku kini, aku berasa semakin selesa dan semakin kena dengan watak yang aku dituduh dibuat-buat selama ini. Tidak perlu lagi bersembunyi. Tidak lagi memenuhi kemahuan masyarakat yang tiada tahap puasnya. Peritnya untuk aku tempuhi saban tahun tersebut, sehingga menjadikan diriku seperti pada hari ini, dengan tahap keyakinan dan keberanian yang di luar jangkaan aku sendiri. Namun, sudah tentunya bosan sesebuah kehidupan itu tanpa sebarang dugaan dan cabaran. Dan ini adalah cabaran aku.

Debunking LGBTIQ Myths and Misconceptions in Malaysia

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The two consecutive anti-LGBTIQ events by the Department of Islamic Development Malaysia (JAKIM) in Universiti Malaya (UM) and the Selangor State Islamic Department in Shah Alam on October 13th and 14th respectively are a genuine cause for alarm. From their biased content and the use of public funds, to the support by a public university and Selangor state government, the events reflect a slew of problems. Above all, the content disseminated directly discriminates against lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer (LGBTIQ) persons as they perpetuate harmful stereotypes and misrepresent the realities of LGBTIQ persons.




Myth #1: LGBTIQ Persons are Morally Bankrupt

Both events by JAKIM used the narrative that LGBTIQ persons are lost and confused, hooked on drugs, alcohol and sex, and are morally bankrupt. The event in UM featured two “repented” LGBTIQ persons, focusing mainly on their history of sexual experiences, drug use and other personal choices. While the experiences portrayed had no connection to sexual orientation and gender identity whatsoever, there was no structural and systemic analysis on the factors that may contribute to such experiences.

LGBTIQ persons do not exist in a vacuum. Social, cultural, economic and political contexts affect their experiences, just like everyone else. Consider the continued refusal to recognise their lived experiences; discriminatory laws; and barriers to access basic rights. All these contribute to increased health burden including stress, anxiety, depression and suicidal ideas; increased poverty; lack of social safety nets; and lack of support and affirmation from family members and friends which further isolate and traumatize LGBTIQ persons.

The assumptions and stereotypes that depict LGBTIQ persons as not religious, spiritual and/or morally bankrupt are completely untrue. The reality is there are many LGBTIQ persons who actively practice and deeply believe in their religion and spirituality. LGBTIQ persons have the same right to religion and spirituality as cisgender heterosexual people. In fact, it is the rejection and ex-communication by religious institutions (not limited to state Islamic departments) that cause deep conflicts within LGBTIQ persons.



Myth #2: Suppression of LGBTIQ Identities is not Discriminatory

In line with JAKIM’s “soft approach”, the organizers highlighted that LGBTIQ persons should be encouraged to suppress their sexual identity rather than be bullied. However, the organizers failed to recognize that suppression of identities is still a form of discrimination, violence and torture. Forcing people to confine themselves to binary constructs amounts to the erasure of their diverse identities. This forced suppression is the very reason many individuals resort to drugs, alcohol and other destructive practices as a way to deal with the mental health issues and rejection that they face.



Myth #3: Five Factors That Make One LGBTIQ

JAKIM claims that there are 5 factors that make one LGBT: parenting, traumatic events (sexual violence), pornography, bullying, and environmental factors. These are myths that have in fact been debunked.

Historical and anthropological evidence show that sexual and gender diversity have always existed across the world. This includes hijra in Indiacalabai, calalai and bissu in Indonesiaasog/bayugin in the Philippinesmukhannathun in Makkah and MedinaFa’afafine in Samoa and New Zealand; Māhū in Hawai’I; two-spirit in North America, and let’s not forget the existence of sida-sidagender-diverse identities similar to present-day transgender persons, in the palaces of Negeri Sembilan, Kelantan, Johor, and other parts of the Peninsula Malaya. It cannot be stressed enough that diversity of sexual orientations, gender identities and expressions and sex characteristics are normal occurrences in life.

There is no evidence to support the claim that childhood trauma, experiences of abuse in childhood, parenting skills, absent fathers and domineering mothers or tension in the family are factors that cause one to become LGBTIQ. In 1975, the American Psychological Association (APA) removed homosexuality from the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), as “research has found no inherent association between any of these sexual orientations and psychopathology” and “heterosexual behavior and homosexual behavior are normal aspects of human sexuality.”



Myth #4. LGBT Persons can be Corrected or Return to the ‘Right Path’

A central theme in JAKIM’s anti-LGBT messaging and efforts is that sexual orientation and gender identity can be changed through rehabilitation, conversion therapy and suppression.

Mukhayyam, a rehabilitation programme by JAKIM for LGBTIQ persons claims to be a strategy to reduce the prevalence of HIV. However, the Global AIDS Response Progress Report 2016 notes that there is no evidence to prove the efficacy of this programme. More importantly, we need to recognise that rehabilitation and corrective therapy are not just ineffective, but they create more harm. All major national mental health organizations have rejected and expressed concerns regarding therapies that aim to correct or change gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation, as there are risks of depression, social withdrawal, suicidal tendencies, substance abuse, stress, hostility problems in sexual and emotional intimacy, sexual dysfunction, as well as a feeling of being dehumanised and loss of faith.


Myth #5: LGBT Persons are the Leading Cause of HIV

This claim is not just untrue, but also simply irresponsible. Such statements, especially in an environment where LGBTIQ people are already stigmatized, can lead to rollback of rights of people living with HIV. A media release by the Malaysian AIDS Council in October 2017 can debunk this myth as it stated that of the reported 3,397 new HIV infections last year, 84% (2,864 cases) were sexually transmitted wherein 46% (1,553 out of 2,864 cases) were related to homo/bisexuals  and 38% (1,311 out of 2,864 cases) were heterosexual transmissions.

We also need to examine the correlation between HIV transmissions and anti-LGBTIQ laws in Malaysia. A report by the United Nations Country Team in 2014 shows that the rise of criminalization and anti-LGBTIQ activities increases health risks (including HIV, STI and mental health issues) faced by LGBTIQ persons due to the discrimination, legal, socio-political and economic barriers faced by the community. This shows that LGBTIQ persons are not inherently at risk of HIV.


Reality of Sexual Violence Experienced by LGBTIQ Persons

LGBTIQ persons experience increased risks of sexual violence because of their sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression and sex characteristics. In some cases, LGBTIQ persons are sexually assaulted as a form of correction and most LGBTIQ persons’ first sexual experiences are sexual violence. In these cases, LGBTIQ persons are not able to share their experiences or report these incidences to the authorities. This creates an environment that disempowers and silences LGBTIQ persons and emboldens perpetrators. The experience of sexual violence do not make one LGBTIQ. These issues of sexual violence need to be addressed regardless of age, sexual orientation, gender identity and sex characteristics.

**The original article was posted on Justice For Sisters. You can read the full version of the article here

Gender: Antara Realiti Yang Dinafi dan Rutin Yang Ditradisi

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Bagaimana anda tahu identiti gender anda, iaitu sama ada anda lelaki, atau perempuan (atau lain-lain)? Pastinya ramai yang akan terdiam dan ambil masa untuk menjawab soalan ini bukan? Selama ini, identiti gender anda diberi oleh surat beranak berdasarkan alat kelamin anda sewaktu dilahirkan. Tapi, benarkah ianya semudah itu?

Sekitar usia 4 atau 5 tahun saya telah menyedari pemikiran dan hati yang sering mengatakan bahawa saya adalah perempuan. Saya gemar melakukan aktiviti yang dilakukan oleh kanak-kanak perempuan, seperti memasak dan bermain anak patung. Malah, saya juga mempunyai perasaan malu dan rasa tidak selesa berada dalam kalangan budak lelaki, saya lebih rapat dan mesra dengan kawan-kawan perempuan.



Image via: https://gendertrender.wordpress.com/tag/jacobin/


Banyak kajian dan perkongsian pengalaman individu telah menunjukkan bahawa manusia boleh menyedari identiti gender mereka seawal umur 4 ke 5 tahun. Lebih menarik lagi, fakta saintifik membuktikan bahawa identiti gender ini tidak terhad kepada lelaki dan perempuan sahaja berdasarkan kromosom XY dan XX. Terdapat konfigurasi kromosom lain seperti XXX, XXY, XYY, dan XO yang wujud dalam kalangan manusia.

Jadi bagaimana boleh kita klasifikasikan manusia sebagai lelaki dan perempuan berdasarkan alat kelamin sahaja?

Seks/jantina dan identiti gender adalah dua perkara yang berbeza. Secara ringkasnya, seks merujuk kepada kombinasi kromosom, organ dalaman, genitalia, hormon dan fisiologi manusia. Manakala gender merujuk kepada pemberian makna sosial kepada identiti lelaki, perempuan dan sebagainya. Masyarakat sering menyalah anggap bahawa seks/jantina dan gender adalah perkara yang sama, dan ini hanya terdiri daripada dua identiti sahaja yang ditentukan oleh organ reproduktif mereka, yang digelar sebagai binari.

Masih segar dalam ingatan, sewaktu darjah lima, ada seorang teman sekelas yang bertanyakan saya mengenai gender saya. Dengan spontannya saya menjawab perempuan walaupun bersekolah di sekolah kebangsaan lelaki. Saya ditertawakan oleh teman-teman. Tetapi, walaupun dalam usia semuda itu, tanpa rasa ragu-ragu saya sudah yakin dengan identiti gender yang dimiliki dan tanpa rasa malu mengakuinya.



Sistem Binari Gender dan Kesannya

Tekanan daripada konstruk sosial dan sistem binari gender menjadi tunjang kepada pergolakan dan permasalahan bagi individu-individu di luar sistem binari ini, terutamanya interseks dan transgender.

Berulang kali individu transgender dilabel dengan gender yang berlawanan dengan apa yang otak dan jiwa mereka tafsirkan.

Sebagai contoh seorang kanak-kanak perempuan transgender yang diklasifikasikan sebagai lelaki pada dokumen rasmi, akan dibesarkan sebagai budak lelaki. Mereka dipaksa untuk melakukan aktiviti harian yang berada di luar minat dan kegemaran mereka. Mereka juga dipaksa untuk menggayakan pakaian dan potongan rambut lelaki. Sekiranya kanak-kanak tersebut bersifat feminin, mereka akan dimarahi, dipukul dan diperbetulkan termasuklah cara berjalan, cara bercakap serta posisi tubuh badan agar kelihatan maskulin.

Masih saya ingat insiden rambut saya dipotong secara paksa sehingga botak semasa kecil. Saya tidak mempunyai pilihan untuk memilih pakaian yang bersesuaian dengan identiti gender saya. Pendekatan ejekan juga digunakan oleh keluarga dan masyarakat sebagai usaha untuk memperbetulkan saya membawa kepada lebih banyak kemudaratan dari segi mental dan emosi. Ini merupakan antara contoh paling kritikal yang kanak-kanak trans alami dalam proses pembesaran mereka.

Sistem binari gender ini juga memberi kesan maha berat seperti pergolakan emosi, masalah penerimaan daripada keluarga dan masyarakat, akses kepada kemudahan awam (seperti tandas awam), kesukaran untuk mendapatkan pekerjaan, peluang membina kerjaya dalam bidang professional yang terhad, permasalahan mendapatkan kemudahan kesihatan dan perubatan yang bersesuaian, dan banyak lagi permasalahan genting yang dialami oleh individu transgender.



Bolehkah Transgender “Dipulihkan”?

Ramai yang beranggapan bahawa individu transgender boleh diubah dan diubati. Tanggapan ini adalah salah sama sekali. Pendekatan ‘corrective’ atau pemulihan akan memburukkan lagi situasi kerana ia akan menyebabkan kemurungan, gangguan psikologi dan pelbagai permasalahan lain seperti kes bunuh diri.

Ketika memasuki alam persekolahan, walaupun ada sekolah kebangsaan campur yang berdekatan, ibu bapa menghantar saya ke sekolah kebangsaan lelaki semata-mata untuk mengubah tingkah laku dan identiti saya. Dari situ kita dapat lihat sebenarnya ibu bapa juga sudah mengetahui keadaan anak mereka yang mengalami “gender dysphoria” atau tekanan yang disebabkan oleh ketidakupayaan mereka untuk mengekspresikan identiti gender yang sebenar.

Saban tahun kita dapat lihat ramai individu yang menyertai program pemulihan kerana mahu “kembali ke pangkal jalan”, namun adakah ianya benar? Adakah perubahan dibuat kerana mereka benar-benar percaya yang mereka sudah tersesat atau ianya hanya sekadar lakonan di mata masyarakat?

Program Mukhayyam dan program pemulihan yang lain menyebabkan individu transgender untuk “berubah” semata-mata kerana paksaan untuk memastikan diri mereka diterima masyarakat dan keluarga. Mereka serik dengan diskriminasi dan peminggiran, terutamanya apabila ditangkap oleh pihak berkuasa dan mengalami masalah ekonomi kerana sukar mendapat pekerjaan. Desakan individu sekeliling yang rapat yang cuba membuat mereka rasa bersalah dengan ancaman dosa dan neraka menyebabkan mereka menyerah kalah. Sebab itulah kita lihat setelah mereka “berubah”, mereka dengan terdesaknya menayangkan aktiviti kebajikan yang dilakukan di media massa agar mendapat kemaafan dan penerimaan masyarakat.

Pernahkah anda fikir mengapa sesetengah individu masih tekad menjalani kehidupan mereka sebagai transgender mahupun dicerca, dinafikan hak, dikenakan tindakan undang-undang, malah dipukul atau dibunuh?

Bukankah lebih senang untuk memenuhi kehendak masyarakat? Ini menunjukkan bahawa isu transgender ini bukanlah melibatkan kecelaruan minda atau pengaruh budaya negatif atau sesuatu yang dibuat-buat. Isu transgender adalah berkenaan identiti gender yang “authentic” kerana setiap manusia mahu menjadi diri mereka yang sebenar seperti mana yang hati dan pemikiran mereka tetapkan. Oleh yang demikian, identiti gender tidak seharusnya dipaksa oleh sesiapa dan haruslah dihormati oleh semua pihak.


Cover image credit: https://hellogiggles.com/news/my-gender-identity-struggle/

Girls Chase Boys Chase Girls

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By Steph Fernandez

When I began writing this article, I wanted to find something to write about that was lighthearted, funny; an issue that I could put into words quite easily, considering that I think of myself as predominantly a humor content creator – especially when I’m not writing poems, or from an academic mindset. Coming from an angle of, “Why the fuck are you laughing at what you just wrote, Steph?”, I didn’t expect to be laughing out of a mix of despair, exasperation, and “What the fuck are you on?”-esque disbelief.

See, as someone who runs in predominantly queer circles, many of my friends identify as bisexual. And I think that we’ve made it clear that we – as millennials – are part of the Tinder generation (and there’s nothing wrong with that; I’ve had some great dates that stemmed from Tinder, one of which developed into a twenty-four hour thing with an individual who I now call my significant other, but I digress). Upon speaking to my friends who identify as bisexual, if anything, I’ve found out that dating on Tinder as a bisexual woman is difficult.

Kita Perlu Berani dan Masuki Era Pasca-Seksualiti

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Oleh Terence A. Anthony

Penterjemah: Syahirah Wahed

Pembalikan watak terbaik yang pernah saya tonton adalah dalam filem Scotland, Trainspotting.  Bermula dengan empat sekawan yang mencuba nasib di sebuah kelab selepas bersumpah untuk kekal bersih daripada dadah  ‘heroin’. Antara empat watak itu, watak utama ialah Franco Begbie. Tidak seperti tiga orang kawannya, Begbie menggambarkan dirinya sebagai lelaki ‘alpha’. Ketika kawan-kawannya sedang pulih daripada ketagihan dadah, Begbie mendapatkan kepuasan khayalan dengan mencari pasal dengan sesiapa sahaja secara rambang.

Secara ringkasnya, dia mewakili simbol maskulin toksik. Ia adalah suatu rasa ‘macho’ yang dibesar-besarkan seperti satu parodi mengenai apa yang dilakukan oleh orang untuk berasa kelelakian. Namun, ia hanya meletakkan diri mereka dan orang lain dalam keadaan bahaya.

We Need To Be Brave and Enter An Era of Post-Sexuality

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By Terence A. Anthony

The greatest role reversal I’ve ever seen on film was in the Scottish film, Trainspotting. The scene starts with four friends trying to finally get “lucky” in a club after vowing to be clean from heroin. Out of the four, the highlight was a character named Franco Begbie. Unlike his three friends, Begbie portrays himself as the ultimate alpha male. While his friends were recovering drug addicts, Begbie got his high from picking fights with people at random.

In short, he is the embodiment of toxic masculinity. It is a sense of exaggerated machoism that feels like a parody of what people do to act ‘manly’ but instead put themselves and others in harm’s way.

No Compromise

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by Esther Ho 

– is what the pastor would say. Do not compromise your faith. Follow Jesus all the way. Be strong and steadfast and faithful to the teachings of the Bible, to God. Do not fall astray. “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, […]” – James 4:7, NIV

I was raised to be a proud “Jesus freak”, a believer pledged to lifelong membership in the Christian faith, my only goal in life to be so devoted, so passionate, so faithful and righteous in God’s sight that I could ignore any and all ridicule and criticism about my fanatic adherence to my religion. This meant setting down a lot of boundaries from a very young age. These are the things you should do to be a good Christian. These are the things forbidden to you. These are the people you should keep around you in order to grow in faith. These are the people who are “bad influences” (the devil) and should be resisted.

And I swallowed it whole.

Kepastian Dalam Kompromi

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Oleh Effie Johari

Penterjemah: Azim Allaudin

Mengenalpasti seksualiti diri anda hampir kelihatan seperti sebuah kepentingan. Kebanyakan daripada kita yang merujuk diri sebagai gay, lesbian, atau biseksual telah membina naratif “coming out” agar dapat lebih memahami seksualiti diri sendiri, jika bukan untuk orang lain, ianya bagi diri kita sendiri. Kita mengenali model “coming out” yang tipikal sebagai “proses secara langsung untuk mengenali diri sendiri di mana identiti heteroseksual yang tidak tepat tetapi diterima umum digantikan dengan identiti lesbian atau gay” sebagai sesuatu yang asli dan tepat [1]. Pergelutan yang berpanjangan terhadap keaslian atau kepastian inilah yang dimaksudkan dalam kepentingan untuk “mencari” seksualiti anda.


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