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Duality

Hello Miss

thegblogteam one comments

 

M : Hello Miss.
F :  I’m never usually gender identified correctly.
M : Hello Miss.
F : People would usually mistake me for a male; a guy.
M : Hello Miss
F : They tend to only see the hair, the build, the clothes. Mostly the hair.
M : Hello Miss
F : Whenever I go into a public restroom anywhere in the world, I feel the need to prove to is occupants that I belong there.
M : Hello Miss
F : Me, a female. Needing to pee. In a public female restroom.
M : Hello Miss
F : Each and every time, I enter with my breasts pushed out. The need to show them I’m a woman. To prove that i do belong there, the same as all of them. I enter, heart racing, hoping they don’t single me out.
M : Sir, the men’s is over there.
F : Some people don’t speak out. They just stare at me, accusingly. Waiting for me to realize my ‘mistake’.
M : Tandas laki kat situ ler.
F : Others can be very aggressive with me; they assume I’m up to no good. (To M) Saya perempuan la.
M : Oh? Ye ke? Kak ingat lelaki tadi (laughs)
F : What would you reply to something like that?
(Beat)
M : Hello Miss
F : When one does get it right, it doesn’t go unnoticed. Funny how you can get so used to something happening all the damn time.
M : Hello Miss
F : I just don’t like going into public restrooms. It’s too much of a hassle. (Walks off)

 
This piece is part of our month-long collaboration with The VSC Project, exploring the concept of ‘Duality’, which delves into the idea of a gender blind world. How would we act and what would we be if there weren’t preconceived ideas of how a person should be based on what their genitals look like?
 
DUALITY; is based on the lived realities of many who have stayed hidden for decades of their lives, masking themselves just to be accepted in this “normal” world. It is about repressing the person that you really want to be while maintaining a more culturally, religiously and socially acceptable version of yourself. It explores inner conflict and contradictions, and the incongruities that tug at the elements of our identity.

Because I am _______.

thegblogteam No Comments

 

Where do I start?

At what point of time did this begin?

I would have to take us back to the beginning of civilisation to explain it all

But let’s start from where this lifetime began

For me.

 

I was in mummy’s womb,

my heart started to have its own little beat

in it’s own rhythm that ran parallel to that of her own.

Mummy would work all day and night

Almost oblivious to the fact that I was in her belly.

 

Daddy was always away

Always out of town working hard to make ends meet

Mummy became lonely.

But when she remembered how her mummy had to go through the same thing

she was okay with it.

 

Once,

She lost her balance

Fell off a flight of stairs.

That hurt me.

Mummy was tough

No one to help her, she stood up

Brushed the dust off her knees

Assured that I was okay

And went on with her day.

 

The doctor told them I was a girl

They said,

“We’ll have another one.”

 

When I took my first breath of air

I took my time

Took my time to learn about this world

Savoring it through its smells and its sounds

Before I started relying on my eyes

My eyes that would see and judge those around me.

 

When I finally opened my eyes

I heard daddy whisper,

“She is so ugly, can I send her away?”

I learned that my eyes were too small and squinty

Not pretty enough

Whatever pretty meant.

 

I was bald until I was 3

My grandma would make sure people knew I wee, not pee

She dressed me up in hats with brown ringlets

I learned that girls had to have long hair

Looking like a boy was just an abomination.

 

As I began tottering on my own two feet

Mummy brought me to a store

To buy me my first baby loafers

Immediately, I picked up a purple and a red

But mummy bought me a pair of pink instead

I learned that girls had to wear pink and look impeccable

Mismatched shoes?

That’s unheard of in this time and day.

 

Back in kindergarten on days when the electricity did not work

Boys were allowed to strip naked

While the girls had to stay in their underwear

Because it was indecent and lewd.

 

In high school, my friends started dating each other

Girls and boys, girls and girls but never boys and boys

I always thought that was odd but never questioned it.

 

Another thing that I learned in those years

Was a lock that can be opened by many keys is considered a bad lock

But a key that can open many locks is a good key.

 

I was in a relationship where I strived on the approval of the other

Trying so hard to please

To be the person he wanted me to be,

I learned that a woman should not depend on a man’s approval

To lead the life she wants to live.

 

I was in a relationship where both him and I were equals

We shared all responsibilities but one;

I was the vessel that held all of our tears, angers and frustrations

I learned that a woman has to contain all of the emotional burden

Because men are just not wired that way.

 

I am now in a relationship where I am free

Free to explore, to make choices independent of the other

I was told that exploring my sexuality is inappropriate

So I learned that I should keep my mouth shut.

Legs shut.

They told me.

 

I learned and was told many things in my life

But Daddy told me one thing that really struck me:

I am only able to live this life because I am a girl

That, because I am a girl?

I won’t have the burden of taking care of my family

That, because I am a girl?

I can venture into the Arts

That my 9 year old baby brother

will never be able to make the choices I have made

because he is a boy.

 

Because he is a boy.

Because I am

A girl.

 

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